


i'll make love to you (but like hell the way you want me to)

by avid_reader1



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Bad Sex, Crack, Gen, Patrick Kane please never read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 10:41:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4218624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avid_reader1/pseuds/avid_reader1
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>in which pat kane is bad at sex. Like, REALLY.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'll make love to you (but like hell the way you want me to)

**Author's Note:**

> Patrick Kane please never read this. I feel like it has to be repeated. 
> 
> Actually no one read this. If you have any part of you that values sanity and self-preservation and also Patrick Kane's pride, you should probably run away now.

Patrick has a mouth, a great mouth. He's gotten more than enough chirps about him and his alleged cock-sucking skills to not know how people see him, him with his endless oral fixation, mouthguard sticking out of lush lips. Pat also had magnificent hands. They were long-fingered, soft, flexible with a stick. It would only make sense that fingering with the guy would be like sex heaven on earth, a religious experience of the most magnificent kind. It would only, like, affirm the balance of the universe. 

But Master Of Sex, Sex God, Pat Kane was not. It was actually life-destroying how bad at sex he was. He never knew where to put his hands, his mouth went places no one ever wanted it to go, and most of the time, his hair happened to be an instant turn off. For the people who learn to look past his exterior (and excessive, abusive use of hair gel), the first time they kiss him, they leave. Tell him too much tongue, too little tongue, too little teeth, WHO ELSE EVEN REMEMBERS WHAT. (Pat remembers. Pat's bruised, broken ego remembers like the small, bitter kid behind the bleachers in junior high.)

Pat, naturally, doesn't understand. No one had ever complained in the far and few times he'd done the deed during his formative teenage years, not about his fingers or his mouth and they mostly just ignored the curls. Some even found them adorable!

But, as the years went on, it became apparent that whatever was in the water in the OHL, it certainly wasn't in Chicago. Pat guesses that, when you're a hormonal teenage boy surrounded by other hormonal teenage boys, you sucked the dick life gave you. 

Pat could literally count on one hand how many legitimately good sexual experiences he's given to a sexual organ that belonged to a human being not himself. 

All the other times sucked bad dick. 

Like the time Patrick actually bit a girl's clit. He bit. A girl's. Clit. With his teeth. (She had pushed him off, slapped him in the face and shoved his boxers in his mouth. 

"Suck on that, asshole!" she had shouted, slapping him again before she left.)

And that time he bruised a dude's dick because his grip was too tight. (He didn't get slapped, but he still left. And also punched him in the balls.)

Or that time he'd punched a girl in the face while they were making out on her bed, completely by accident. She didn't believe him when he tried to say that (obviously) so she slapped him and left. 

Or that time he kicked that dude in the ribs while he was just about to put his dick in him. 

Or that time with the fish dildo, or the strawberry lube, or the Sextastrophe of Rookie Year (capitals totally warranted). Or the time with the fondue (two times actually, cheese then chocolate on a separate occasion). Or the time with the whipped cream up his asshole. 

Or that time--yeah, you get the idea. 

So Patrick is bad at sex, despite any and all evidence otherwise. The only saving grace he has, really, is that he's at least good at jerking himself off. 

So, even if he has to spend his entire life having sex with his right hand, at least he has that. 

(Please God let him have that.)

**Author's Note:**

> "Patrick Kane please never read this" would probably be some of the words I'll say on my deathbed.


End file.
